Are You Lost in Love’s “Comfort Zone”?

By Claire Lam

It takes courage to step outside your comfort zone. We realize ahead of time that a tough or stressful encounter is very likely to follow. We can’t always prepare for what this might be. I think it is fair to say that many of us prefer to stay inside the supposedly safe and familiar confines of our comfort borders, am I right? If only such a place existed…

Honestly, the term “comfort zone” is a bit of a misnomer to me. It sounds like a lovely place that’s intimate and peaceful. (I mean, who wouldn’t want to be there?) However, if you land in love’s “comfort zone,” it’s anything but. You come to find out that it’s nothing more than a relationship rut where it’s hard to stay positive and have a thriving relationship. You want to get out of it, ASAP!

You’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’.
- The Righteous Brothers

Hard truth time: love’s “comfort zone” is a level that looks and feels a lot like limbo land to your relationship. You (and likely your significant other, too) feel stuck in love rather than actually being in love. Instead of thriving, you’re just surviving. That is not where you want to be in your relationship… trust me.

Is there a way out of love’s comfort zone?

Friends, unfortunately, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all easy answer to this question. The way I see it, though, there are two basic ways to get out of this love funk. Regardless of which option you choose, understand that there will be plenty of letting go of the past and starting a new life involved. Things will not be the same. Accept and embrace all the changes to come as you boldly step across the border.

Option 1

To be honest, I don’t think this option is talked about enough. It’s the one that’s usually stigmatized and automatically frowned upon – especially by “spectators”. But, y’all know that’s bullshit to me. 

Overcoming my fears and self-doubt while learning how to let go saved my mind, body, and soul. There isn’t one ounce of doubt in my mind. Yes, it was uncomfortable every step of the way, but the magic was that my self-awareness and self-love blossomed subsequently. This decision is what allowed me to finally live my truth and live my life.

Girl, open up your ears (and heart) and hear me now. You always have the choice to let go and to allow yourself to fall out of love. Sometimes, you finally realize that’s the way out of the confines of your love’s comfort zone. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed of this! In my opinion, knowing when and how to let go of someone is one of the bravest things there is. Remember, there is no wrong choice so long as you’re doing what’s right for you. You have one life to live, and you have the power of now! Use it!

Option 2 

With all of the above being true, I also don’t believe a break up or divorce has to be your way out of this less-than-stimulating place. Nope, not one little bit girl! The thing is, there are plenty of couples who find themselves struggling through the wax, but wholeheartedly wish their relationship was back in its flame. You’re both crying for help that you need and want from each other.

When both people are wanting and willing to do whatever it takes to get back in the flame, well shit, that’s half the battle! That’s worthy of popping open a bottle of champagne! I hope this is where you and your partner are today. And, girl I have some great news - I’ve got a way to help you on this journey OUT of love’s comfort zone!

Once you and your partner, together, have made the pivotal decision to focus your efforts and energy on climbing over the comfort zone border wall, you’re ready to go!

The 3 C’s Out of Love’s Comfort Zone
Connecting

When you’re in love’s comfort zone, your connection with your partner has weakened (severely, in some cases). Every aspect of your life and love is controlled by autopilot mode - which is familiar, unchanging, and predictable. This setting’s feature is designed to keep you locked in relationship-limbo land. 

Change the setting to fly manually. Be intentional by showing up and paying attention in your relationship every day. Don’t cut corners just because it would be easier or more “comfortable." (Remember, it’s a misnomer!) Inevitably, you’ll just wind up right back where you started, and you do not want that! Strong, healthy relationships should encourage openness, honesty, and vulnerability. Keep it real - fake or forced connections will not boost you over the barrier walls.

Continue to strengthen your connection by breaking a status quo existence found in your expected daily routine. Instead, build in new, healthy habits and routines that charge your relationship with spontaneity and stimulation. When you experience these fresh and exciting things together, you’ll feel more organically connected and cross into another love level. The more you do this, the closer you will feel and the more natural it will be to leap across the barrier walls.

Creating

Love’s comfort zone does not encourage you and your significant other to create future projections and life goals that inspire a positive outlook for your relationship, health, and well-being. To create a purpose-driven life together, you must effectively communicate what you want your future to look and feel like outside of this stagnant zone. Knowing this information is crucial! 

Don’t be afraid to take a deep dive into this process. Ask yourselves…what do you want for your health, happiness, finances, family, etc…? You must learn how to manifest these together by discussing and describing them regularly. Get as detailed and specific as you can, too. This will create accountability in what you’re saying and what’s actually happening.

Focus on creating a life and love that fosters just as much personal growth as it does relationship growth. When you do this, finding happiness, inspiration, passion, and purpose is not difficult. You’ll create a spring board to travel across the comfort zone walls together, and that’s all you really want.

Challenging

When you’re in love’s comfort zone, you and your partner intentionally stay away from opportunities that push each other to grow and be better (in a positive and healthy way, of course.) 

Dialogue and suggestions that challenge the status quo of your life and love are avoided. It takes less energy to let things remain as they are rather than to challenge them and suggest it could be different, am I right friend? 

Becoming a “work in progress” demands effort to see desired end results. These efforts will be confronted with unknown, difficult, and stressful hurdles. But, out of these challenging moments we see self-improvement and personal growth. These bumps transform into relationship building blocks that help you across love’s comfort zone as one. 

I could go on forever about getting out of your love comfort zone, but I’ll wrap it up here! Just know this - you cannot grow inside your “comfort zone” and neither can your relationship. Don’t settle for a life trapped inside love’s comfort zone. Keep driving towards the next level for you and your partner by venturing together outside the restricting borders you’ve (unknowingly) set for yourself. That lovin’ feelin’ might feel lost right now, but it doesn’t have to be gone forever. Are you ready to find it again?

XO,

Bear

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