My Story - Discovering Stimulation
To put it honestly, I was at war with myself for a very long time. You may know what I mean when I say this all too well - that constant place where you avoided exploring the hard questions that were right in front of you in order to continue living a “happy” life. Why do we do that? Everyone probably does it for the same reason - out of sheer fear. What did I fear, though? I feared vulnerability and the truly terrifying volatility of profound change. I was scared of discovering myself and finally admitting that I might have failed at something (because I did not like to fail at anything).
In the spring of 2016, I began therapy. If we’re being honest here (and we get really honest here at Less Flowers More Tongue), I really never considered therapy before then. Therapy seemed like something that was for other people, not me. I didn’t need it. I was “fine.” Until I wasn’t…
The fact was I was not fine. It didn’t take long for me to get face-to-face with some of my demons and my truths - I hated myself and the direction of my future. I didn’t expect what would come up, so imagine my surprise when those ugly truths hit me square in the face.
Going to therapy turned out to be the exact wake up call that I was desperately waiting for (subconsciously, of course.) Unfortunately, wake up calls have little value if there is no action that comes after it. Running from my introduction to vulnerability, I buried my thoughts and feelings way deep down inside of my soul. I just didn’t feel comfortable sharing this truth with anyone, not even myself. The action that needed to take place didn’t happen. I was dormant for a long time.
Over this dark period in my life, I went off the deep end. I literally submerged myself in routines and activities that were nothing but empty stimulates with no real, lasting value on my life. What my life lacked was authentic balance because I had zero. There was this constant power struggle that raged inside of me between pure chaos and “get-your-shit-together.” My energy and self-worth were constantly depleted. I was overall unstimulated but had no idea.
In the summer of 2017, I was introduced by a family friend to a book, unfamiliar to me at the time, called The 5 Love Languages. Immediately after reading it, I felt a release and pulse of electricity course through my body! After rereading, I felt peace and certainty come over my life like I hadn’t felt before.
If you’ve ever been in a dark room before, you know what it's like when someone does the final twist of the lightbulb that illuminates the darkness. It was in that moment that I faced the truth. I knew, more than ever, what I needed less of and more of to find my true happiness and stimulation. But most importantly, I was ready to let go and to allow change into my life with open arms (things I had steadily kept at arm’s length for quite some time.)
And this is where shit got real.
I told my ex I wanted a divorce. I moved back in with my parents. I took responsibility of my out-of-control finances. I acknowledged that I would likely have to close my local business. I lost some friends. I got up front and honest with my health struggles. I finally admitted that I had avoided God for way too long. I accepted that I wanted to find authentic balance in my life that worked for me.
But above all of that, I discovered something even more pivotal for me - who I was meant to be. And in that discovery, I felt a renewed sense of self-worth and self-love I hadn’t realized I had lost.
The biggest lesson I learned from those dark times is that I can win any war that comes my way (even if it’s with myself.) And the honest truth is you can, too. Today, I am the absolute best version of me that I can be. I’m still learning about myself every single day, and I highly doubt that ever changes. But I’m now stimulated in the ways that I need to be stimulated, in ways that work for who I am deep down inside.
While my story still has many chapters to be written and the ones that are written are quite unique, there are universal themes throughout that many of you can relate to, too. That’s why it’s such a privilege to share this passion project with you and to invite you along with me down this journey of continued self-discovery and soul stimulation.
It is my deepest hope that your story will also be excited and ignited with Less Flowers More Tongue. Here’s to winning the war that you may have waged against yourself and finding out what lights you up from the inside out each and every single day.